What am I basing my potential on? I have an intellectual curiosity that makes me want to understand how things work. I have a passion for good writing. I read a lot. I have above average intelligence. I can see from within and outside certain social entities. I have a tough childhood and a sense of humor. I am on the depressive side. I can work for hours and hours and day after day on a writing topic. I have been told I could be a writer.
What do I need to do next? What's this about writers retreats? I should talk to G about her process of writing. What about a MFA in creative writing or fiction writing? I could still finish my bachelor's in political science, maybe even in global studies if I can study in a safe place. Then I should take the FSOT and take an internship, pass the test, etc, with a backup at entry level, etc. And then I have either grad school in IA or MFA...
Meanwhile I just continue to read a lot. I should also work to improve my fundamentals. I feel like I keep saying I'm gonna do something but I don't do it. And is it bad for me to have this dichotomy between reality and aspiration? Should I abandon all pursuits other than those pertaining to the present and near future? I probably should.
Now what about this Kundera business? Living in the moment is meaningless, the author is saying. Wasn't Nietzsche saying the opposite? What do I know about earthling philosophy? Well I know a little bit don't I. Actually I know normal person philosophy, stereotype philosophy such as the surfer mentality, the kumbaya, the business man's special, etc. I know a little of everything.
What did I like most in doing research last year? Was it the material or the sense that it was relevant or the practice itself (the work) or was it my ambition of becoming successful? I could have turned the Hungarian paper into a book but who would have read it? And what do I really care about academic papers? Aren't they just bull shit at the end of the day? Like J says, intellectuals are given professorial jobs so that they can enjoy a feeling of being important and prestigious. This way they are put to the side and don't bother us. Also they will not start a revolution. And what does G say? That more and more intellectuals go into areas of expertise so specific that one can't communicate to another. Divide and conquer.
And what about these rock star intellectuals like Benjamin Barber and Thomas Friedman? What's their deal? What do I want to do? Well I can help people. And I can do grassroots service like feeding the homeless. But don't I want a quality of life? Am I being brought to not need it? to let go of unrealistic expectations? Will I ever recapture The Lifestyle? Will I ever live like my role models? C warns against expecting that it would come easily. And what do I learn from A? Here is a wonderful person with wonderful friends and great tastes, smart, fun, pretty, puritan in the good way of improving self and having standards, and yet she struggles financially. Look at M. She can't afford vacations. But she is very talented. What does that mean to me?
I should be grateful just to not go to mental hospitals. To manage without losing control. That will be my greatest accomplishment. Look at J. He lives in a 3rd floor apartment. He has a crap car and a garden. He's smart but what the hell? Who is gonna tell me what to do?
Then there is what J was saying he would not do. Too much at risk. But not for me. Nothing to lose.
I'm good at soaking things up. I might begin to write better and better the more I read good writing. I learned French with lightning speed. So wait do I definitely not want to go into business? Anthropolgy? Computers? Engineering? Journalism? Politics? I want to be upper class. In the liberal professions. I don't really want to be in a bureaucracy but who's kidding? Can't escape politics. What have I ever been told I would be good at? I've been told I could be a writer, an accountant. KW said something about S having a graduate writing program. What are my options? Would I get financial aid for grad school? I mean would be eligible to take loans on my own? When do I get to be independant? Am I being a hypocrite here?
They say we shouldn't think about college for now. We should become independant. I'm not doing either. I'm already going back and I'm already forsaking my independance.
So this is writing. I like it. I can access thoughts that can be important. But how long can I write about myself before I become self-absorbed? Who knows. I have a lot of work to do on myself. But none of this would be publishable. And it could hardly serve as practice for writing something intended for consumption. But is that what I'd want to write? Wouldn't I want to write something inherently valuable instead? A unique perspective. Son of privilege. Son of abuse. Victim. Hero. Underdog. Front runner. I have been all of these. What a life.
But what do I have to offer as a writer? I don't really do the politically correct thing. That's fine with me. I can catch on to paradoxes and develop them into a frustrating dilemma with an unfinished ending.
So wait what was the answer? Is it better to keep it simple or to give concept depth? I can deal with the big issues. I can capture social awkwardness.
"She said, while looking at Johnny to make sure he didn't think she was serious. Was she doing this or did he tend towards the cynical? He made the leap of faith. Or the naïve and desperate act of hope. The fucking human way. They were never a moment alone again."
That last sentence gets left out at the end. The reader has to assume, has to have room to imagine. Yeah I have a lot to learn but as a writer I can choose any topic. I don't have to commit to a career path. I can even do a collection of pseudo academic papers on foreign affairs, etc. I can contribute op-eds to NYT etc. How should I practice? Is this really what I want?
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